Sex, naked power, relationships and not so very good vibes

My adventures in online dating and self-discovery have been going on for a little while now and I’m used to getting strange messages from all sorts of people. Many writers are trying to be funny and fail miserably. Some are downright offensive or are negging.

Still, every now and then I get a message in my inbox that makes me shake my head in wonder. Like this choice example from Mr VeryGoodVibes

Your profile makes me smile… at a first sight I was thinking it’s a joke…. very funny humour…
But when using saw that you are German… I started to cry…
I have spent the last 15 years with a German wife and I have been exactly like the man you are looking for… serving the princess…
She is giving me order, I do everything for her… share money, raise her children, do everything to make her happy…
And no sex, no empathy, no caring … a disaster… love disappeared…
Your profile is not a joke… It’s a German characteristic…
Sorry I’m not interested any more.

To this I can only say ‘huh?’ For starters, I am looking for a CFNM house slave, not a man to raise my children and pay my way in the world. It states so clearly on my profile. Second, if you, Mr VeryGoodVibes, are not interested, then why are you bothering to write to me? I am sorry you have had a shitty marriage, but that has nothing to do with me. Most disturbing is the inference that I am German. Nowhere on my profile does it state that I am German. The mere fact that I am able to speak German does not make me German.

VeryGoodVibes’ message does, however, touch on a subject that is close to my heart and that may interest you too, gentle reader. This is the subject of relationships, power and sexual fulfillment.

My path to sexual exploration started with a different, rather innocuous message, sent to me by a self professed CFNM lover.

Hi, I would like to chat with you.

These days I would not respond to this sort of message as it shows a lack of imagination and effort. But this was within the first few days of my using OkC and I was still open to responding to all and sundry to explore the possibilities. In this case, I am very glad I answered, because after googling CFNM (Clothed Female Naked Male – A sexual scenario the male is naked and the female is fully clothed), I found that I was very interested in the topic. The ensuing conversation also caused me to think deeply about my own interests and sexual desires.

Much like Mr VeryGoodVibes, I’d spent more than a decade in an unfulfilling relationship with an unequal power balance. I was the one with the greater power personally, financially and sexually. My partner needed me to be in power in these areas, as it was a great way for him to abrogate responsibility for decision making in his own life. On the other hand, he resented deeply any decision I made. In response he was persistently passive aggressive, manipulated me emotionally and continually set me up for failure by withholding information. The power imbalance was never openly addressed either by myself or my partner.

Once I was finally free of this unhealthy dynamic (read I finally managed to kick him out, which was like excising a cancer) I licked my wounds for almost a year before resolving to make another foray into sex and relationships. I had no idea what I wanted or how to go about it.

A friend mentioned to me that she was on OkCupid and I thought I’d give it a try too. The next weekend I asked my friend to come over. We took some pretty pictures of me – I look wholesome, nice and approachable. In one of them I am even holding a kitten.

My profile was similar. Not extensive, not soul searching, but upbeat, funny and engaging. The only thing that hinted at my emerging interest was an aside in the section

I spend a lot of time thinking about…

which I answered with

… Finding myself a house slave.

Maybe it was this line that had hooked my new CFNM friend. Though on reflection he may have been writing to every new female profile on OkC, as I have since heard more than one story of women being approached by someone with an interest in CFNM.

I was too naive at the time for this thought to even enter my head. What I discovered from talking to CFNM guy was that I was deeply interested in the concept. The thought of having a man come to my house, strip naked, do housework and cook, with me having the option to watch, tease or use him in any way I liked and then sending him on his merry way again, seemed perfect. What also appealed was that the power (im)balance was explicitly negotiated prior to the encounter and that it was a bounded situation. In other words, I would hold the power in a certain context in a way previously agreed upon, but I would not have to be responsible for someone else’s important life decisions (or lack thereof).

That’s how it started.

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