Rough sex, power and male entitlement

‘Single. Bit of a loner. Into my motor bikes and guitar. No kids. Was married for 8 years. Love to fuck more than anything. I like the power.’

I’m currently looking for a new slave and I’m spending some time on dating and fetish sites trying to find a suitable candidate. This is how one prospective candidate described himself. I can’t be sure why, but even before I received this message I had an uneasy feeling about him.

I was puzzled why someone who likes the power he gets from having sex would want to apply for a position as slave. So I asked him why he wanted to get into a dynamic where he doesn’t have the power. He replied, ‘To see how it feels from the other side. Does that make sense?’

It does make sense to me that he would want to experience what a loss of power feels like, but it is not sufficient reason to commit to being a slave. His next question was,

‘Is there anything sexual involved?’

This is a complex question. While not all kinky play involves sex, my experience has been that all kinky play has a sexual dimension to it and very often the power exchange is around sexual desire, need and frustration or control of that need. I told him,

‘Sexual desire is a powerful tool of control.’

I asked him whether he thought he could commit to giving up his power for an extended period of time and whether he realised that this could be mentally and emotionally taxing. He responded that there was no way of knowing unless he tried it and that he deserved it. This caught my interest. He thought he deserved it. The question was why?’ The ensuing conversation was revealing and unsettling.

‘I have been dominant for a long time. I think it’s time the role was reversed. I’ve humiliated a lot of girls in the past and I deserve some pay back. I used them for sex, as cum dumpsters or hard anal without an invite. Rough sex.’

Clearly this was a man who had little respect for women and used them to bolster his own need for feeling powerful in a non-consensual way. I felt that submitting to me would not help him deal with his actual issue – a lack of respect and empathy for women – and that he should instead commit to treating women well and make amends to those he’d injured in the past, and told him as much. Our interaction ended there.

However, the conversation has stayed with me since then. Not only because I feel for the unsuspecting women he abused and of whom he speaks so disrespectfully. But also because he bluntly articulated a power dynamic and lack of respect present in many male-female interactions, one that ‘more enlightened, sensitive guys’ still subscribe to but are often unable to recognise within themselves.

I’m thinking of a recent interaction with another man, with whom I’d been texting on and off for months and with whom I‘d gone out a few times. This man considers himself to be an enlightened left leaning thinker. He is in poly relationship, stands for equality of the sexes, is into community development, tantra and the sensual side of kink, where D/s forms part of sexual play rather than a real power exchange.

From the get go I had told him that while I liked him and enjoyed his company I did not feel a sexual spark and, in any case, I was not interested in taking on a submissive role – which is something he was pushing for. This went back and forth for months. I was happy to spend time with him because he always had interesting stories to tell and was entertaining. But I made it quite clear that I was not interested in anything more.

He, however, remained convinced I was deserving of his love and needed it and he was going to give it to me. Somewhere along the way his primary partner weighed in and suggested to him that he should respect my wishes not be become involved with him. This led to a few weeks of silence. Then he started messaging me again. Contrary to my better judgement I agreed to meet up with him once more. I was in a vulnerable place and could use some company I told myself. He came over for dinner and very quickly decided that I really needed comforting – physically and emotionally.

We kissed a few times, but for me things really got out of hand when he took my chin in his hand, looked me in the eye and firmly stated that if this was ever going to work I would have to open up to him and accept his love; as if this was something he could force me to do or had a right to demand. Needless to say the evening ended shortly after that.

My point is that this ‘enlightened’ man had no more respect for my wishes or boundaries than the prospective slave. Both operate from a position of entitlement and power. However, while one is quite clear on who has the power and that he loves it, the other is deluding himself while remaining unable to hear and respect women’s boundaries.

Sex, naked power, relationships and not so very good vibes

My adventures in online dating and self-discovery have been going on for a little while now and I’m used to getting strange messages from all sorts of people. Many writers are trying to be funny and fail miserably. Some are downright offensive or are negging.

Still, every now and then I get a message in my inbox that makes me shake my head in wonder. Like this choice example from Mr VeryGoodVibes

Your profile makes me smile… at a first sight I was thinking it’s a joke…. very funny humour…
But when using saw that you are German… I started to cry…
I have spent the last 15 years with a German wife and I have been exactly like the man you are looking for… serving the princess…
She is giving me order, I do everything for her… share money, raise her children, do everything to make her happy…
And no sex, no empathy, no caring … a disaster… love disappeared…
Your profile is not a joke… It’s a German characteristic…
Sorry I’m not interested any more.

To this I can only say ‘huh?’ For starters, I am looking for a CFNM house slave, not a man to raise my children and pay my way in the world. It states so clearly on my profile. Second, if you, Mr VeryGoodVibes, are not interested, then why are you bothering to write to me? I am sorry you have had a shitty marriage, but that has nothing to do with me. Most disturbing is the inference that I am German. Nowhere on my profile does it state that I am German. The mere fact that I am able to speak German does not make me German.

VeryGoodVibes’ message does, however, touch on a subject that is close to my heart and that may interest you too, gentle reader. This is the subject of relationships, power and sexual fulfillment.

My path to sexual exploration started with a different, rather innocuous message, sent to me by a self professed CFNM lover.

Hi, I would like to chat with you.

These days I would not respond to this sort of message as it shows a lack of imagination and effort. But this was within the first few days of my using OkC and I was still open to responding to all and sundry to explore the possibilities. In this case, I am very glad I answered, because after googling CFNM (Clothed Female Naked Male – A sexual scenario the male is naked and the female is fully clothed), I found that I was very interested in the topic. The ensuing conversation also caused me to think deeply about my own interests and sexual desires.

Much like Mr VeryGoodVibes, I’d spent more than a decade in an unfulfilling relationship with an unequal power balance. I was the one with the greater power personally, financially and sexually. My partner needed me to be in power in these areas, as it was a great way for him to abrogate responsibility for decision making in his own life. On the other hand, he resented deeply any decision I made. In response he was persistently passive aggressive, manipulated me emotionally and continually set me up for failure by withholding information. The power imbalance was never openly addressed either by myself or my partner.

Once I was finally free of this unhealthy dynamic (read I finally managed to kick him out, which was like excising a cancer) I licked my wounds for almost a year before resolving to make another foray into sex and relationships. I had no idea what I wanted or how to go about it.

A friend mentioned to me that she was on OkCupid and I thought I’d give it a try too. The next weekend I asked my friend to come over. We took some pretty pictures of me – I look wholesome, nice and approachable. In one of them I am even holding a kitten.

My profile was similar. Not extensive, not soul searching, but upbeat, funny and engaging. The only thing that hinted at my emerging interest was an aside in the section

I spend a lot of time thinking about…

which I answered with

… Finding myself a house slave.

Maybe it was this line that had hooked my new CFNM friend. Though on reflection he may have been writing to every new female profile on OkC, as I have since heard more than one story of women being approached by someone with an interest in CFNM.

I was too naive at the time for this thought to even enter my head. What I discovered from talking to CFNM guy was that I was deeply interested in the concept. The thought of having a man come to my house, strip naked, do housework and cook, with me having the option to watch, tease or use him in any way I liked and then sending him on his merry way again, seemed perfect. What also appealed was that the power (im)balance was explicitly negotiated prior to the encounter and that it was a bounded situation. In other words, I would hold the power in a certain context in a way previously agreed upon, but I would not have to be responsible for someone else’s important life decisions (or lack thereof).

That’s how it started.