‘Single. Bit of a loner. Into my motor bikes and guitar. No kids. Was married for 8 years. Love to fuck more than anything. I like the power.’
I’m currently looking for a new slave and I’m spending some time on dating and fetish sites trying to find a suitable candidate. This is how one prospective candidate described himself. I can’t be sure why, but even before I received this message I had an uneasy feeling about him.
I was puzzled why someone who likes the power he gets from having sex would want to apply for a position as slave. So I asked him why he wanted to get into a dynamic where he doesn’t have the power. He replied, ‘To see how it feels from the other side. Does that make sense?’
It does make sense to me that he would want to experience what a loss of power feels like, but it is not sufficient reason to commit to being a slave. His next question was,
‘Is there anything sexual involved?’
This is a complex question. While not all kinky play involves sex, my experience has been that all kinky play has a sexual dimension to it and very often the power exchange is around sexual desire, need and frustration or control of that need. I told him,
‘Sexual desire is a powerful tool of control.’
I asked him whether he thought he could commit to giving up his power for an extended period of time and whether he realised that this could be mentally and emotionally taxing. He responded that there was no way of knowing unless he tried it and that he deserved it. This caught my interest. He thought he deserved it. The question was why?’ The ensuing conversation was revealing and unsettling.
‘I have been dominant for a long time. I think it’s time the role was reversed. I’ve humiliated a lot of girls in the past and I deserve some pay back. I used them for sex, as cum dumpsters or hard anal without an invite. Rough sex.’
Clearly this was a man who had little respect for women and used them to bolster his own need for feeling powerful in a non-consensual way. I felt that submitting to me would not help him deal with his actual issue – a lack of respect and empathy for women – and that he should instead commit to treating women well and make amends to those he’d injured in the past, and told him as much. Our interaction ended there.
However, the conversation has stayed with me since then. Not only because I feel for the unsuspecting women he abused and of whom he speaks so disrespectfully. But also because he bluntly articulated a power dynamic and lack of respect present in many male-female interactions, one that ‘more enlightened, sensitive guys’ still subscribe to but are often unable to recognise within themselves.
I’m thinking of a recent interaction with another man, with whom I’d been texting on and off for months and with whom I‘d gone out a few times. This man considers himself to be an enlightened left leaning thinker. He is in poly relationship, stands for equality of the sexes, is into community development, tantra and the sensual side of kink, where D/s forms part of sexual play rather than a real power exchange.
From the get go I had told him that while I liked him and enjoyed his company I did not feel a sexual spark and, in any case, I was not interested in taking on a submissive role – which is something he was pushing for. This went back and forth for months. I was happy to spend time with him because he always had interesting stories to tell and was entertaining. But I made it quite clear that I was not interested in anything more.
He, however, remained convinced I was deserving of his love and needed it and he was going to give it to me. Somewhere along the way his primary partner weighed in and suggested to him that he should respect my wishes not be become involved with him. This led to a few weeks of silence. Then he started messaging me again. Contrary to my better judgement I agreed to meet up with him once more. I was in a vulnerable place and could use some company I told myself. He came over for dinner and very quickly decided that I really needed comforting – physically and emotionally.
We kissed a few times, but for me things really got out of hand when he took my chin in his hand, looked me in the eye and firmly stated that if this was ever going to work I would have to open up to him and accept his love; as if this was something he could force me to do or had a right to demand. Needless to say the evening ended shortly after that.
My point is that this ‘enlightened’ man had no more respect for my wishes or boundaries than the prospective slave. Both operate from a position of entitlement and power. However, while one is quite clear on who has the power and that he loves it, the other is deluding himself while remaining unable to hear and respect women’s boundaries.